apologetic

sorry for the stupid little posts. its hard running a blog in a place you have no privacy in.

i remember a few weeks ago i said i would post some of my art, so i am going to go ahead and do that. notice that they are going to be protected, so you can't take them. i have worked very very hard making these. you may have one you like, IF you send me a message or a comment and leave your email. TODAY IS MY 13TH BIRTHDAY and the weigh in for today is.. 150.2 POUNDS! since the fast has started, i havnt lost that much weight, it hink its because my metabolism isnt used to it yet. i am at home with my brother while i am writing this, so i have a bit of privacy. i love having this blog here. i can write whatever i want, say what ever i want, and get my feelings out. All my friends think i am depressed, moody and arogant, which i am, but i am actually a seemingly good person if people really care enough to listen to me. I have to talk to my dad. He should get a chance to say hello to me. My mom was drunk last night and almost told me what my presents were, i am just surprised i got A present. if i havnt told you, i am kind of poor. So having a birthday with gifts is really cool. When we were with my dad, we always had money. i scammed 20 bucks out of him. how awesome it that?

my mom decided i do not need a cell phone yet. i am just hoping that she got something i like. sometimes she buys me those Littlest Pet Shop toys because thats what i liked when i was ten. But i have learned to like what you get and stop sulking just cause you didnt get that fancy super mega ultra awesome toy that will probably break in a week but all your friends have one.

I am going to go play Left For Dead with my brother.

never mind, i guess he is talking to Jessie.

Yesterday made my heart hurt. i told you i have liked a guy for three years and then am getting over him (complete asshole), but yesterday i posted something on facebook and we talked and talked for hours. you never really get over someone, but i have to. He would never want to date me, or even speak to me in public. So thats why i am going to just let him go and do whatever while i sit here, crying and complaining to a computer screen. i am so fuckin pathetic! But, as we learned at school, love is different than a crush. a crush is all about you, but love.. you would do anything to make them happy, even if that means it will slowly kill you. so what do you think it is? a case of first love? I dont think its that dramatic but have you looked at the guy you like. Have you seen him joke around and smile with his best friends,but then look at you and that perfect smile is swept from his face, and replaced with another one. Its still a good smile, but the light in his eyes are gone? I am deprived of sleep, sorry if i am rambling.

I HAVNT EATEN ANYTHING

i swear my stomach is about to fall out of me.

I remember when i was delusional and was talking to Jackie ( the skinny girl trapped inside me) she doesnt talk anymore. i think shes dead. but i am going to be thin, no matter what. For the past few days i have been so dizzy and throwing up, not purging. I think its from me not eating. but, no food for me. i have almost mastered the art of lying to my family. i think its kind of bad that its getting easier to lie to the people i love.