do you figure...

that in 100 years america will be a dictatorship?

that in 50 years everyone i love will be dead

that in 25 years, i would have killed myself via hanging?

that in 12.5 years i may meet someone i love, and then he leaves me for weight

that in about six years i may leave this hell hole i call home and be free?

in three years i still wont have a boyfriend

and in about 1.5 years.... ill still be fat.

do you figure.. ill be fat forever?

i do.

i ate lunch.. and couldnt purge. i tried... but blood came up with it, so i stopped.

i am going

to purge once more

despite desperate pleas from girls i have never met

if i am going to die 25 years from now, because of my pathetic life...

i am going to die thin

i swear i will

Jackie doesnt talk anymore. she's like a broken music box. a music box that i desperatly wish to play her beautiful tune in my horrible, horrible life. oh, i am being whiney am i? well..

1. my dad is literally a jackass. he hit cole, and emotionaly abused us for the past nine months

2. the boy i like is going to get shot and die.

3. cole will die in a gang... and then i will be convicted of murdering his killer. i swear i will.

4. my moms boyfriend has cancer.

5. i never want to see anyones face ever again! I AM SO TIRED OF HEARING, " you look fine" or you look beautiful. "youre a beautiful girl Sierra," "your thin enough" "your not fat! its just puberty." and i hate getting these snide little comments from people. i am tired of hearing people whisper behind my back of how FAT i am.

6. my best friends cant understand!!! Kaitlyn is being evil! she is acting like some popular snob!

7. i am never ever going to be pretty

8. I am a smoker, drinker, and druggie. do you know what my saturdays are like? taking another hit from the bowl, trying to get my fatness off my mind.

i wish i could die.

i wish i was thin

i am going to die.., eventually.

but im not taking any chances

i WILL die thin

if it be

100

50

or 25 years.

wheather it be my hand, someone elses, or the hand of god.. i will be so thin, all you can see are my beautiful bones. maybe if i was thin, people would care enough to talk to me. maybe they would say "you are beautiful. "your so pretty." and "your so thin.." and i could believe them. i have recently started something new. i have a notebook. and in that notebook. i write lines. and lines and more lines.

"dear god, make me a bird, so i could fly far, far away from here- Jenny from Forest Gump.

god i love that movie. the end is too sad though.i love that prayer. i pray a lot you know. even if i dont know whether or not to believe it. here are my prayers for the day..

"dear god, keep my boys safe."

"dear god, please help my dad learn i dont want him near my family anymore."

"dear god make me thin." he never seems to answer this one..

i gues sill do it on my own..

"dear god, make me a bird..."