meltdown.

     After i made that last post, i was wondering whether or not to check it out. i know i talk about "ana" and all that but.. i can remember when i wasnt like this, and i am wondering whether or not my brain is just.. puttin on a show i guess. i still am afraid you know. i didnt want this. all i wanted was to lose two pounds so i could fit into a pair of jeans. now i'm 14 lbs less, depressed, and listen to this!

A SIGN OF ANOREXCIA IS DIZZINESS OR FATIGUE.

ehem! thats why i was sick remember??!!  i know i am acting childish. but a few posts ago was the first time anyone told me i have an eating disorder. and look, that fucked me up. so i googled it. and i tried to figure out when this happened. when i first was "blogging" i wasnt that involved. i was more gone than anything else. like the wind was swept out of me and my soul was growing again. but now i am in my personal hell. and i want to get out but i have to get on that scale. i am more gone than i ever was. i know you girls are here for me, but i wish i could be normal. the sweet, happy little blonde kid i was. now i am dead. i wished i could die. yesterday i had a meltdown in front of my mom. did i tell you that? my feet were too fat to fit in a pair of shoes. i started crying and told my mom that it was ok. my feet were just like the rest of my body. fat and ugly. then the last time we went jeans shopping, i had a break in the dressing room, because size 12s wouldnt fit. now they are baggy. i feel sucess and hatred at the same damn time. i am glad you ladies are here, but i wish it would all go away. jackie, the jeans, the dance, Austin, drugs. all just disapear. but it never will. this is the iconic case of over reaction. but then.. meltdown.

damn it. a docter would have me on pills by now.