Never Back Down!

this is officially. i WILL BE THIN. if its the last thing i do before i eventually fade off this word, long forgotten, i will be thin. when i am thin, i will be able to show some self respect. i am currently compeltly drug free. i am alcohol free. i can SEE what i have been missing all this time. the reason i cant get over D? the reason i still hate myself? the reason i cut? the reason why i drink, smoke, and participate in pretty much every other behavior that will get me killed? negative body image. i am in the "nutrition" section in my health class, which is pretty much where everyone talks about other peoples weight when the teacher isnt listening. my name was not brought up. my friend Ibby said i dont need to lose weight, and that i am thin, pretty and wonderful after i told her i wanted to lose 20 more pounds before summer break. Me? wonderful? Pretty? THIN? My "sister's" Nicole & Morgan tell me i look like a stick. everyone tells me i am thin. why cant i believe them? because i am so used to hating myself. i feel so sick.
i fell into temptation.
i felt like i wasnt worth it, so i ate. and ate. and ate. and guess what? i went from 116.5 to 122 in ONE DAY! i was in the mentality of "well, since ive already binged...". i am DONE. its not even about being able to wear a bikini (oh, how i want to so much) or be able to get my belly-button pierced and not be self concious (oh, how i want to sooooo much!!!! imagine how sexy that'll be!) its about me getting FIT. and being able to finally love myself and see myself like others see me. the way people talk to me about myself makes me feel like im totally ilogical. and i am! here i am, purging and cutting over something that is nonexistant to other peoples eyes. i want to be on the same level as everyone else. the only way to do that is to love myself. but i cannot do that in this body. if i lose 20 pounds, tone my arms, thighs, and get some sort of abs going for me by summer break, i know i will be happy. My friend (a cute guy my friend Aliza is liking) wants to take us to lake *Anna* and screw around on his boat. not literally "screw around" but you know what i mean. he hangs out with D. who i sadly admit talked me into doing him a "favor" on sunday. and not the kind of, "hey would you mind doing this for me," no, a sexual favor. why? because i have no self-respect. and i am SICK of it. my brother knows about D now. Morgan knows about D now. and both of them are about to go and whup some ass. but, that is a different story.
     i am done with just sitting around and wishing that i was thin, pretty, smart, funny, confident, happy, intresting, and everything else ive always wanted to be. the only way to get what i want is to WORK MY ASS OFF! so, i am developing a STRICT plan. fasting. if i must eat, fruit and veggies, but in small portions. 0 calorie drinks only. then, when i get home, i am going to do my homework, then go work out in my basement for 45-60 minutes a day. then, i go back upstairs, chug some water, shower, do some more exercises, clean my house, then talk to my friends or dick around on the xbox, but i have to exercise before i get online or play video games. and my homework has to be done.
    This plan will first off, get me to exercise each day, also, it will encourage me to do my work, which will make me smarter. as for prettier, each goal i reach, i will do something to enhance a feature. for instance, 115 pounds? get my ears pierced again. 110? some nice jeans. 100? BIKINI SHOPPING! 90? dye hair/contacts. my goal is to at least get to 100 lbs. that is my overal goal. if i go lower, its just to ensure that i have a bit of leeway, some wiggle room, you know?
       Its time i get my ass in gear. im done sitting around and waiting. do you know what my current plan is doing? its destroying my teeth, and sure, im loosing like, a pound every three months, but its not helping me tone my body at all. i have so much JIGGLE going on its not even funny.