that moment

 
have you ever had that moment when you knew exactly what it truly meant to be alive? what it truly meant to be human? the instant that it hits you, it damn near knocks you to your knees in a fit of tears. some are tears of sorrow, some are tears of joy, but the tears just stream down your face and land on the ground in a never ending pool of wonder. the moment that you look up into the sky and smile, feeling everything around you breathe along with you in a perfect, natural harmony.

i just had one of those moments, and oh god was it good. when people say they are high on life, they arnt just using some crummy cliche.  no. if they are truly meaning what they are saying as i am at this moment, then they just had a goddamn life changing experiance. in one moment, sitting outside in the rain, music in my ears, smoke destroying my lungs and the rain drenching me, i felt the pain in my stomach from hunger, the dryness in my mouth from thirst, my heartbeat tenderly fluttering in my chest. then it hit. i crumpled down onto the soggy grass and let out the biggest sob of my life. the conceler that hides the scars on my arms melted off, my illusion was shattered. and when i got up and stared at the hurricane bands moving across the sky, i realized one thing. i want to live. not just exist. i travel each day pretending like ive been happy, and secretly wondering what i am doing wrong and blaming everyone else for hurting me and making me feel like i have no worth or value on this earth, but i learned that in blaming those people, instead of turning the focus inward, i had made my largest mistake.

yes, shit happens. you get broken and beaten down until you feel like you just cannot stand up and move on. you feel like just ending it all and finally ridding yourself of the nightmare you are living. and honestly, yes, i have tried to kill myself on multiple occasions because i felt like everyone would just move on after i was gone. and now i see that i was a fucking dumbass for believing myself just long enough to work so hard to cut through that goddamn vein. the people i know now, who knows if they care. they act like they do but only they and the people they reveal their feelings will truly know.

 but you know what? sometime in this life, i'm going to find the people that think i am a goddamn wonder to behold. i am not just some THING to be trampled on and left to die after you are done. no, never again. why hurt over something so miniscule? something so small that nobody gives a shit about? it is a wonder that man exists in the first place...but to really feel that animalistic mindset, to feel like nothing else matteres except drawing air into my lungs and remembering to repeat the process, your mind opens so much. i cant even think about taking anything into my body except water in fear that it will disrupt the perfect harmony of how everything inside me is working so well. everything in this world is a miracle.