nope. still fat.
142
i wish that this would go away!
I HATE FEELING THAT IM NEVER GOING TO BE THIN
I HATE THE FEELING OF MY FAT JIGGLE ON THE BUS
I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT MYSELF.
and then....
the dreaded love life update...
♥♥♥♥
Austin is really sweet and god i wish i could date him. but he has a girlfriend and just had a fun time telling me of his sexual history today in art.. which in other words means i like a man-whore. HE IS FOURTEEN! he is in a gang, a drunk, a druggie. yet again. i cant critisize him over that. i am worse than he is. i hate the feeling i get as i look into the mirror... wondering what i have become. i was very thin as a little girl, but then this this.... THING came along and ruined me.
i hate it when i look into the mirror after purging. eyes bloodshot and me stagering around drunk. i wish that my life could just.. cease. no, not death but...
ok, you know how you can turn the ringer on your phone off? i wish i could do that.
no gangs.
no drugs
no booze
no love, no fat, no hate and no depression.
the feeling i get when i meditate. i wish i could have THAT all day long. i wish i didnt have to take drugs to feel normal. i wish that i could BE normal. nix that.. i wish i was perfect. and i will be. i know i will. but its killing me slowly girls. every second of this painful life is slowly ticking away. and i will never get it back. now, im not saying im giving up drugs and booze. oh no, no,no,no. when i die, i want everyone to wear what they would wear normaly, and i want to be cremated. and buried under a peach tree.
ANYWAY.. BACK TO MY MAN-HO BUDDY!
LIKE I SAID. total sweetheart. well, maybe not. we are crashing the dance. not together, (dont i wish??!!) but i mean, the after party. now, there will be illegal goings on so i cant really tell you. lets just say we will be under the influence of an illegal local drink that rhyme with "boomshine" nope sorry no more hints. i told u i cant tell anything. but like i was saying. i dont know whether or not i really want to get drunk with HIM cause he knows my brother which is another reason i am NOT asking him out. how creepy would that be.
cole: hey man wat u been up to.
Austin: nothin much. im datin ur sister though.
cole: (grabs shotgun)
austin: missing half of his face.
besides. he is in a gang. i know so is cole, Jessie (friend of cole) and your helpin them out. whats wrong with him.
because he can die.
cole and them can get shot 12 times before going down.
austin.. one shot and its over.
all those plans we have made, all those times we've flirted and hinted(yes hinted) around dating. and the next time i'd see him would be in a casket. i think i would die. no really. any of my friends get hurt. and i think i would die. i dont loove him, we are just flirting. but....
still i cant seem to think about it would be like without him. no color. it would be like my life would be a black and white movie. austin brought color to it when i was OUT OF MY MIND. and then he'd be gone.
and that is why i wish i could just ge tup the courage to date him. but i cant. not yet. not till im at least 125lbs. yes, i am waiting on my weight to lower. who could say not to a thin, pretty girl.
the same person who could say no to me.
You shouldn't be under any negative influences. I know you may really like Austin now, but you will realize that he's not that great.
ReplyDeleteHe might be in a "gang", but he's probably faking. Many people thinks that they are in gangs until their lives are in danger.
If you go to that party, PLEASE do not take any drugs or alcohol. I do not want anything to happen to you. If you're unaware of what you are doing because you're drunk or high, someone can take advantage of you.
The world is so unsafe and cold, and honestly you're a bit naive, I just want you to be careful.
You're young and I'm a bit older. Try anything possible to act your age. I'll give anything to be 13 again.
Do not grow up too fast.
I'm 142 too!!!!
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