meditation

Rain. it has been falling here for about... two days. i have a tin roof.. and you can hear it  plip plop and ping against my roof in my room. i love it. i am still in a sad slump.. but i didnt kill myself.. or run. i snuck out at 1:00 and sat there at the edge of my driveway in the rain. meditating. and then today i read your comments, and i have relized. for 13.. I AM SCREWED UP in the head. but i can live with that. i have learned a secret in life though. just because everyone dies, that doesnt mean everyone lives. so i am going to have a fuckin WILD life. its that simple. im not ready to die. i am just so, so sad. i caught my mom googling "signs of anorexcia" last night before i was about to leave. its too much. i found the sight she was on. how ironic was it that she went on prettythin. all she had to do was click a few buttons.. and she wouldhve found out my secret. but she is as work. and so i am happy. i failed my fast today.. but i am determind to stay under 145. i weigh 142 now. i will be under 135 by friday. that is the ultimate week goal!! today was day2 of archery. i suck at it. i was almost about to fire one at my gym teacher. and someone yelled "hurry up fatass!!" and a girl walked up to me and said.. " if you hit the target, ill give you a cookie." A COOKIE? does she know what that would do to me??!! did you know that in every gram of fat.. there are about nine calories?? how sickening is that. ive been google-ing "thinspo, scenespo, reverse thinspo" and "greasy foods". i hated every minute. i thought i was going to get sick. well.. i think thats it for now. bye...