146-.. GODDAMN IT!!

ok! the dance is this friday. last night we got a dress, shoes, makeup, and all tht fun stuff, because i am asking a guy to the dance. not austin. in fact, after last night, i decided i dont want him. Don't be angry ok? I was depressed as hell from dress shopping, and got a little drunk. i chugged a few with my brother. i sat there with my mom and decided that being with Austin wont save me from bordreline alcoholism. in fact, it would induce it. and my drug use. but yet again, neither is living with my mom. she doesnt object to me smoking weed. not like she knows though.
♥ so i am trying not to like austin♥
so i will ask a couple guy friends and i can garuntee it will be fun, for a normal 7th grader. but for a girl with an E.D,substance abuse problem, and depression, it will be a desperate attempt to become normal. but sadly, thats not happening. my mom is leaving tonight, and getting back tomorrow night. She has to go to Philly with Terry so he can get Chemo. So the dance is sure to be eventful. it is a masarade, but i am not going with the theme. i am going more with retro indie. i dyed my hair light brown, dishwater blonde.its so pretty! listen, i cannot make any promises about this dance. i dont want to fail you. but there will be drinking. and drugs. and more than likely a few cigs will be smoked. but i pray i wont use any of them. i am trying so hard but last night i binged on beer, and food. so for the rest of the week, no drinking or food. fair enough?
i stayed home today because of poison ivy and sunburn. i need to make sure it goes away by friday! my poison ivy is fading, but the sunburn on my chest still hurts, though its not as bad.
i know i gained four lbs. i am so ashamed. right now i am sweating to death, burning calories. then 40-50 sit ups, then a major cool down. (below 0 shower. hell yeah. it gets that CoLd!)

"you have enimies? good, that means you stood up for something"- Eminem

i love that saying, but i dont know how it portrays to my life. i was talking to someone on an E.D site, and they said i was a faker cause i was willing to talk about my problem WHAT THE FUCK!? i told them to go suck a dick, because i liked talking about my problem, to find someone like me. granted, i am alone, but i could care less.

     i've always been alone.