hate

i hate my fucking life. i hope that message has sunk in with every hate filled, drug riddled, self hating post. i hate my parents, my house, my drug use, my hate of food. i hate that i hate so much. i hate how i think of resurants and fast food. i hate how i could possibly for one second think i look good in the tank top i bought. i hate how cole says "Your getting thinner sierra." in front of my mom to clue her in. i hate people claiming to be Ana but are really just sad eight year old girls with nothing better to do. i hate how i have to lie about everything. i hate that Terry is dead. i hate his family, i hate everything. the only thing i have grown to like are the numbers getting lower and lower on the scale. and the moments of painlessness i feel. yesterday, i got burned with a cigarette i was puffing on, and i didnt feel a thing. maybe because my mind was in a slow down or something. i hate feeling numb. and thats what i have done to myself and the world. i have numbed myself. i decided that any pain i feel is worth it. if someone outside asked me how i saw myself, i'd give them the bullshit answer. but, seeing as its you girls, i'll tell you. everything. i decided i had things to clear up. how i really see myself? i find myself as the most sadistic, worthless person you will ever speak to. i dont deserve any company, i deserve the darkness that i have long been dealing with. right now i am home alone. i know a thousand ways. this blog is the thing destracting me right now. there are so many ways its impossible. you know that dont you? suicide.. its so close too. a bullet. a cut to the wrist, a belt in the closet. bleach. drowning. so many ways that nobody would have to deal with me ever again.. ever. but death doesnt solve anything. not like i ever will. anyway, to the telling of everything!
     ON THE SUICIDE THING: i hate my life. simple fact
ON THE DRUG THING: it numbs you. love the way i can be somewhere else.
ON THE GUY THING: i hate everyone. guys included.
ON MY "OLD HABIT" OF SELF HURT: i havnt cut in a long time. i hope you know that and dont think i am still cutting. i am debating on adding another today though..
ON JACKIE: she doesnt even matter anymore. all my pain is my own torture. so it is my name, not hers, that people will think of when i am thin.
ON DEPRESSION: i am a depressed person. its my own life
ON TAKING A BREAK: you cant take a break from something you dont even want in the first place. i will never take a break. if i take a break, i will be thin. right now if i take a break i will be 137, and gain weight..
ON MY FATHER: the devil.
ON THIS BLOG: i cant write everyday but i do try, i do. i know i am a failure to you guys too. the reason i hate so much is because i know what i am. i am a thirteen year old girl, stuck in a body she hates in a life she wishes would end.
ON MY FELLOW BLOGGERS(ANA): i hold you higher than the others. for some of you are in what i am. others arnt. all are still in the same allboat i am. i have begun to be able to see my collar bone. yay i guess. i wish i could see more. much more. i wish it was all visible, like a sign saying "HELLO, i am not a fatass." but i am so..
ON MUSIC: i am done with that superchick thinspo shit.
i wish i could honestly be normal. a healthy girl, smart, pretty, normal. didnt wish death upon herself and everyone else. i hate myself, thats why i hate others. i hate Sam, Sarah (coles girlfriend) Jeff, all of my moms friends. everyone at my school (plus the high school and elementry) i hate my brothers friend katie. i saw a red anklet on her. eaither it means what i think or she is that stupid to do what i think she is doing. exactly the same as me. she is smart and pretty! she is a beautiful person. i deserve this. i deserve all of the hate i feel on myself. DAMN MY HANDS ARE SHAKING. so, i guess its time to end this post. i wish i could keep it going, because i am so so tempted to end it all now. just, be free. so. goodbye, for today or forever. whichever i decide.