shaddow

my situation never is going to get better. and i mean, whats the definition of better in this case. Mommy and Daddy will solve all their problems and we'll be a "family" again. my family doesnt include dad so like, whatever right. and on the note of my sweet, caring, kind, wonderful mother making the biggest mistake of her life by going back to him, thats not gona happen. lets justs say that even though in my "real family" doesnt include jeff, my "entire" family does, and will include a srepmother. Alison. she is a sweet person and i wish them the best. but.. she's never had kids. she wont know what to do when she see's me and (praying for) a boyfriend of mine kissing? she isnt gona b motherfly and understand, she is gona overreact. see what i mean? she is kind, but for how long. and whats gona happen when they divorce? will i still speak to alison or will i be taken away from someone like a nurse rips a bandaide off your arm. painfully, i admit she is a charming lady and i absoluty love her.. but....

she's not my mother
before you say anything, i know thats what every kid say, but she cant, and will never, have the amount of love  i have for my mother and my brother. i  will acknowladge her as my stepmother, friend, and my fathers wife. but i will not call her mom. ever. not one single time. and if i do youd know about it if i did. i tell you guys way to much haha. im having a good day. all i ate was a muffin, a lean cuisine meal, a propel and a lifewater.
1. muffin- 200 calories.- purged- 100
2. lean cuisine- 310- purged- 210
3. propel. -30
4. lifewater-ZERO
so all total i will have a grand total of 340 calories for the day. YES! having a good day.. but still i wonder if suicide is an option. quick, easy, you kno u wont die from a serial killer and brutally tortured. you die how u want. you have a definate like, 89% chance at going through with it, at least. your death is remembered by those you killed yourself over. i even decided how i would do it. i askedmyself the questions..
1. messy or clean- personally, i went with clean, whats the point in makin ur friends mop up brains.
2. internal or external- basicly, bleach or belt to hang youself.
3. location location location- home, dads, outside, on a road, in a ditch, on the foot of the courthouse.
i would go with od on muscle relaxers. instead of jumping in front of a car, option number two. i am having a day thats just slowly driving me insane. its been wild. i was at jeffs friend, i mean girlfriend, i mean fiance. nect he will tell me that they are already married. went down to vegas for a day. i gotta go.im back down to 141. nearly impossible to lose 6 lbs in three days.. unless u have ana or mia. someone told me that i was gettin smaller. its true. my thighs are thinning and even though i dont have the perfect thigh gap, my gap from my knees to my feetis gettin widder. hmm.  on
i have to go shoe shopping soon. i wear like, nines and im 5'5. yaaaay. why dont u go ahead and take me to aeropostle and make me try size small shirts!!!