a very very bad place..

im just in a bad emotional state right now..im very hungry.. i spent the whole day binging and purging..guess its time to restart my fast..but its like, i feel very cold..like when someone tears the blanket off of you early one icy winter morning, your warm blanket on the cold ground while a blanket of snow covers outside, the snow blocking you from the world, and the blanket taking away any comfort you once had, treating it like garbage, throwing it on the ground...absolutly meaningless...left for cold, a shock going through you..
i want to cut again...
i need to cut again..
i need to blood to flow down my arm, leg, or body..knowing that i deserve it..seeing as how im worthless anyway..
my friend told me she hates my drug use, like, she cant stand it..do you know why i do drugs you little fucker? I do it..to be numb. to not have to deal with who i am, to have an hour or mores peace, rest, and tranquility. she says im going to kill myself..from drugs and not eating. she doesnt know its a disorder, a disease..a life. a way to tell i am actually living and breathing..no matter how much i wish i wasnt..

i made another part of the blog called poems and pretty things..they have some good things their..some of them make me happy..i designed this blog to be cheery and make me feel better, but it actually depresses me even more..

i like this picture..

and i want this tattoo..

mom is getting me some awesome things this year..and in a few years. this winter, im getting the bottom layer of my hair dyed darker, and my ears pierced again, but i made a deal with myself thats only if im 110 or 115 at the time. then when im 16, my father is giving me this CUTE little four wheel drive..and then im 17...im going to flordia to get a tattoo ;) its so so so so so pretty!!! and im getting it over my rib, because it arches downwards, or maybe on my hip..but that might be a little provacative dont you think?

my crush, drummer boy, caused me to have an awesome morning..it started in gym when he came up to me and sat down next to me, but he asked if i had any weed..so i grinned at him and told him i wasnt sharing, then went back to listening to my ipod, and after another weird moment, my picture was taken today, and all of his friends talked to me..like, *bradly* was picking on me a bit, but we had an intresting conversation, andd *avery* and i talked about awesome tattoos..

still, human interaction doesnt stop me from slipping into hunger pains and thoughts of how easy i could just cut to deep..hitting a vein...