do you girls know how i can make an Ana braclet? i want to get one because, well, while i do wish i could have lost this weight without slipping into this abyss of self doubt, hatred, and dependance for the scale, i am what i am, and nobody can tell me i am wrong for doing what i wish to my body. i am down to 126 again, but my mom is making dinner, which i hate what she is cooking because its not what i thought it would be. mashed potatoes are the only thi- (during this time my brother walked in to tell me dinner was ready)
Return: my mom made steak and baked potatoes, i didnt eat any steak, and mashed up my potato, added too much salt, ate a small portion of it, and purged. i didnt weigh after purging though, but i wish i did... i cant now though, i dont want to look suspicous.
i came to a conclusion today. after reading all the blogs i do follow, i am the youngest girl on these sites..its kinda sad to think that im stuck like this for the rest of my teen years..do you girls remember when i first started the blog? i was mainly bulimic, which i still am now (its so horrible. NEVER EVER PURGE), now, i starve more than i purge. i purge when i eat and i hardly eat...the fast has given me a gentle nudge in that direction. and when i say gentle nudge, gentle as a slingshot snapping me 1000 feet in that direction. up a hill. in the snow..with a boner (jeff dunham..COULDNT HELP IT lol) and nudge as in pushed off a cliff. so..yeah. though, i dont think its a problem..im perfectly fine. im healthy, im not happy, but i never am...happiness is as elusive as a good nights sleep..it hardly ever really happens.
i had the weirdest dream ever last night!! its sort of vain..but...its enough thinspiration to get me through the YEAR..here is how it goes..dont laugh, please? it was about me and this guy id been crushing on for a while...but i was sitting at my lunch table, no tray in front of me, my friends sitting around me with their trays piled high of basicly bacon fat, just LADELS of it, the fat ripling in their bodies as they BREATHE, and suddenly he walks over and asks me out to a dance (end of the year dance.) then it faded to black, and when it came back into focuse, i walked into the school gym wearing a long, floor length, emrald green dress that flowed over my body like a waterfall.. and he hands me just one little piece of candy, which i eat, and then suddenly the dress gets tighter and tighter and the walls turn into mirrors as i see my body ballooning out to like, 500 lbs! shows that i need to be eating less!!
well ladies, and gentlemen, if i have any male blogger followers (i would really like a few..) time for me to slip back into the seventh circle of hell, thank you
note: my mom, brother, and her friends are smoking grass in my kitchen...i want some so bad...
don't worry, i'm right there with ya. i think i may be a couple years older, but still, it's weird we're the probably youngest ones in this little ed community.
ReplyDeleteYou can follow me, lovely! :)
ReplyDeleteBut really, there's not many males on here.
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