thank god for sleep

well, little bitty post this morning.
i will not be able to post over the weekend (via court order that i spend every other weekend with my father), so i feel like i need to clue you in on yesterdays LACK of activity.

      Well, i didnt eat anything but five reduced fat crackers and a couple beers. i also snorted two pills, which knocked me on my ass, and made me crash. and thank god i went to sleep. D was here last night. i feel bad because i had him talked into staying for the night so we could hook up, but i passed out at like, 1:00. which means, no sex for me. for him, yeah. he has a girlfriend. which is why i dont really want to get anymore involved with him than i am now. in fact, i just dont want to get involved with him at all. i want to stop hooking up with him, because, get this, he is gettin locked up next week. for a sexual abuse charge. its a lie. his dads ex-wife (not really sure if its his mom or his stepmom) said he raped his lil sister. anyway, it was brought up twice already, but he thinks hes gettin locked up now because he cant get a lawyer. i really hope he doesnt get locked up. but, he says the max is five years. five years? excuse me, but J got a year (reduced sentence, made a plea or something) when he was supposed to pull 17. but, if its five years, its five years. maybe in five years i can forget about him. maybe in five years, i can forget EVERYTHING about him. his eyes..his warm body against mine, his touch, and his kiss. i didnt even get a kiss last night...

      i just got out of the shower, and weighed myself. in my underwear and bra though. i sort of cheated. i feel like if i weigh myself when im wearing just that it gives me an unfair advantage. but, yet again, the only time ive been lifted recently, i was wearing just the skin that god gave me (funny joke...im an atheist). but, when i weighed myself, i was happy, but disapointed at the same time. i weigh 116.5, with wet hair. but, i know that after this weekend, i will weigh more. i need the strength to NOT snack all the time. i need to just drink a ton of water, avoid meat, and eat mostly vegetables.

      i need to stop eating meat anyway. i made a promise to J that after he got out, we would go vegetarian. but, i thought he was only going to be in for three months. now, its a year. a whole fucking year. so, i am going to be trying my hardest to become a vegetarian again. i honestly am. i just dont want to do it for the wrong reason.
these are pretty good reasons..i wish i could get this video on my iPod..along with episodes 1-7 of salad fingers...which is a really fucked up cartoon. no lie. watch it on youtube. you'll have nightmares.