unsure

i am trying to not eat anything this morning. ive made it this far (12:07) i can make it until one. i'm trying that stupid wait-out-the-hour trick. whenever you feel like binging, just look at the clock and wait until one hour from then. and then repeat.

i go back to school in  late August. So thats pretty much two months away. if oat after a i put my mind to it, i can take shed this winter weight like i shed my winter coat. sorry for the dumb analogy, i am just trying to convince myself that i can do this. i really want to weigh 110 by summer. all of you are making amazing progress, and me, well, saying ive gained is an understatement. i used to be 118.6, so close to my secondary goal weight, and then i just gave up and put on like, 15 pounds. im back down to 128. so im a third of the way back to being where i started. ugh.

i'm getting my bellybutton pierced soon. by a friend. thats gonna stir up some controversy. its summer time, if i have to show my stomach, i'm going to have a sexy piercing. i am thinking about getting my friend T to do it for me. i have a bar and everything (borrowed from my stepsister), and i have the money to cover the scarily small fee.

the reason i want to get it done is because i have recently purchased a new bathing suit. i swear to god, if it were any more embarassing, i would have burned it a long time ago. my stepmom took me summer shopping, and told me that i am old enough to buy one. so, here it goes. its a two piece, obviously made to for girls with my body size who love their big boobs and butts. seriously, 14 years old with 36C's? that has to be some kind of deformity. i have a theory about that. have you ever noticed how vegetarians are skinny and generally have smaller boobs and pretty much everything else? i think that the growth hormones in meat are ingested by humans and causes birth deformitys in our youth. which is why men are stockier and more toned and women are thinner with more ample goodies (as my friend Nathan puts it).

oh yeah, nathan...my pedophile. long story. i dont think he's ever been laid, he's so clueless. have you ever been in a pretty intimate conversation with a guy and one of his responses were less than six syllables. its so fuckin funny. i'm not going to claim to be hot shit or anything, but at least i know that details are important.

i don't want you all to think that i am a whore and go around having sex with a bunch of different guys. i have only had sex with one boy. and thats all he is to me now. a boy. a boy who makes mistakes, like the rest of the human population. he is just a person. how can i point fingers at people and call them on their imperfections when i myself have so many?  i just feel that after telling everyone what had happened, and now pretty much comming out of the closet as a bisexual, i think you all may have a misperception of me. you wouldn't be the first to thouh, i'm pretty used to it.

the last person i felt actually understood me was this guy who i thought would be my closest friend, and sort of was. he got me better than anyone else, because he was like me. only older, and a guy. when he told me he was bi, i didnt know how to act. i didnt come out to him, because i fear that everyone will laugh if it got out in the public. this is pretty anomoys..i havnt mentioned my real name or anybodys real name. except once. but shhh that'll be our secret.

so i'm lookin like my awesome goth self today

so, i feel like i need to give you all a bit more insight about me. its like i have to redo my blog intro because i completly abandoned it for a while. so, in the words of judson, here it go!

• i am 14
• i smoke cigarettes and pot every now and again
• i have a love for ramen noodles
• i am an artist
• i want to be a tattoo artist when i am older
• i love tattoos and piercings, i have ONE tattoo but it seems it has faded pretty bad.
• my favorite books are by tom harris and anne rice
• i like all kinds of music from screamo (MISS MAY I!!!) to techno to rap (wiz khalifa, ludacris, ice cube), and the usual teen-angst shit, like MCR
• and i guess, the most important one, i lost 40 pounds from purging and occasionally fasting.
• i am mostly bulimic, but i am trying to switch that off and just starve the weight off

also, i love scene hair! oh god i get so jealous. look,

also, some man-candy

yeah, i do think he's hot

what of it?