extra large dreams

maybe about five bites of a tiny ass salad and i was done eating. it was so great! and i havnt eaten since then. im so proud of myself, for now. i'm in the mood to stress out a LOT because i have math every single day. and it sucksss! even if its  with my new buddies jay and carlos. oh, and the girl i like sits behind me, next to carlos. which is so amazing, because i think she's just... unexplainable. she says she doesnt really have that many friends cause they are mean, and so i said that i may be an asshole but i'm a badass friend. so yeahh, current and only girl crush is goin greatt i guess.
i need to lose more weight a LOT quicker! i have to lose maybe 16 pounds before powderpuff football starts up because i want to join and kick some upperclassmen ass, but i don't really want to have to play defense, even if its just flag football. sixteen pounds, if i don't eat lunch and eat smaller meals at home, added to attempting to get some exercise *_*, for about 20 days, i should make my goal. I PRAY TO GOD i can make my goal because i'm just so sick of this.

if i'm smaller, if i am prettier, maybe then she'll make the first move so i don't have to, maybe my ex will ask me back instead of just torturing me by being my "friend", maybe good ol' shoulder pillow will want to hook up (cause ive been thinkin about just asking him), and maybe, just maybe...
 D will realize how he wasted his chance.
maybe maybe maybe maybe...
thats all i say. maybe, hopefully, possibly..
its never yes, i will. i will weigh 110. i have to. i can't feel like this anymore. i can't do it.
every night i dream about being thinner and having someone that loves me. i thought maybe this last boy could have been the one to end my bullshit and help me just settle dpwn into highschool. NOPE(: he just decided to break my fucking heart the week before school and make it so damn hard to focus because all i can think is.."just one more hour till i see him...just ten more minutes...OH MY GOD ITS HIM, quick, act like you arn't looking at him!" its so terrible. i hate it.
and now i'm liking this one girl? WHAT THA HELL? last year i was confused. this summer i was trying to figure out why i had been so confused and so hurt..why i had thoughts about what some girl would look like naked, and the fact that i WANTED to see scared the fuck out of me. so i just cut and shoveled down my emotions. and then this summer, i was like fuck it. and now my mom even knows. and it is the most amazing feeling, except for the fact that NoBoDy knows other than her, and now i'm trying to date a chick? rawrr..

this year is already too much drama