GUESS WHO'S A FRESHMAN?!

hahaa! when i started this blog (and inevitably starting the one aspect of my life that has made everything else worse, honestly, my relationships are shit, my teeth are yellowing [i smoke though], but hey, i lose 40 pounds) i was in the seventh grade. high school seemed so far away. i was such a chubby little girl, no boyfriend, with frizzy blonde hair and bad gothic makeup, with absolutly NO chance of getting to first base with anyone unless they were blind. then BOOM, eighth grade came around. and after losing 40 pounds, life was still shitty, but it got better. i was somewhat skinnier, got some nice boobs, and lost my v-card. is that all thats needed, really? now, im average weight, with a boyfriend, gorgeous brown hair, sexy makeup, and with the right line, i can get damn near any boy i want. i think this is just because i got my head out of my ass and sucked it up. but honestly, thats just a front.

honestly? im the same girl. i just feel like if i don't get this attention, then i've done absolutly nothing right. i did all of this over one boy. my first "heartbreak". hahaa he was nothing. a minor bug on my windsheild. i am sure that i'l, feel the same about D in about a year. maybe that's how i'll feel about my first real boyfriend. only now, this girl is hiding even more

SO I WROTE ANOTHER DUMB POEM(:

she cuts, she purges, she tries to hide her eyes
and everyone wonders why the hell she cries
her first love was just a mind game
and she feels all boys are the same
she has to wear a bandana to cover her wrist
the scars she bears shows what others have missed

yeah i told you, it was stupid. i wish that i could fully explain how i feel, but i don't think that i can without being repetitive. i just feel like ive changed so much, so why not change everything else? instead of being a dorky fat girl, i am working my absolute hardest to be a popular, skinny babe that kicks ass and takes names.

my relationship is already fucked by the way. i swear to god that before we were dating, my relationship with him was so much better than it is now. i flirted with him, i made out with him, he became a great friend because we could always talk to each other, about the dumbest things. they were some of the best days of my incredibly young life. then he asked me out. i was so freakin happy that of course i said yes. and now i dont talk to him that much. i still call him baby and hunny, but he doesnt. i'll make out with him on wednesday, hell yeah! i'll try to entice him to get to second base, if all goes well. but he isnt as close as he used to be. i'm sort of depending on wednesday and school to save it. i know i am overanylizing it by a longshot, but i just can't believe that i will ever be in a healthy, normal relationship.

that and i cheated on him already. i didnt technically cheat, but i sexted this one guy for about a week. we were calling each other baby and sweetie for a few days, until i just took the initiative and said "heyy there you sexy beast ;) ) but thats only because i was crying because of my boyfriends lack of communication. so..we talked about some seriously dirty stuff. you don't wana know! but, the thing is he is 22 so if i hooked up with him, hed go to jail and be buttfucked for 20 years. that and, he cares for me. and i care for him. deeply. if i wasnt dating a very amazing boy, who doesnt deserve to be hurt, i'd hurt him in an instant.

point is, i dont know what the fuck i'm doing in my life. but! I AM A GODDAMN FRESHMAN! i am in the final stretch of my childhood life. it is amazing that i am almost done. i can't wait for this year to get started. even though i know im going to hate it. but, theres so much going on. i get to reinvent myself because people forget over the summer. this year i am going with my usual badassness that i just cannot escape. but, i am goin to dress well, and try my hardest to be even more popular.