run and tell the angels

this is just another post about me saying how i still binge and purge. how i starve as much as i can, and about how every boy i fall for only thinks with his "other" head. Well, that is still the case.
i don't know what to do about this one. i have four boys i'm thinking about. well, three boys and a man. the latter is right out because men can only want one thing with a teenage girl. the other three are confusing as fuck.
boy #1: my ex. the one that says he still likes me a lot, and the one that if he would just get his head out of his ass, i'd go back to in a heartbeat. he still loves her though. what else can i do but sit at the sidelines and just be his friend? i made the mistake of calling him baby yesterday. i told him i'm sorry, old habits die hard. he says he didnt really mind it, so i told him i did. i don't want to cry everyday about how badly i want to be with someone that will never want to be with me
Boy #2: this new guy who wants to smash. which, seeing as how i'm just trying to get my mind off of #1, i didnt say no. we havnt yet, but we probably will. and he wants to date. grr.
Boy #3: annoying as fuck. kept asking with my number, and called me "phat" even though he is the most pasty faced motherfucker i have EVER seen.
and now, for my pedo
if he was only four years younger, id be with him in a heartbeat. id admit to myself that ive got feelings for him. again, he wants to smash, and we mayy (but more than likely we won't) and he almost got in a fight with #3 because of the "phat" incident. he thought he called me "fat" which i did too, but i just laughed it off and said i'm definetly NOT fat (i am an amazing liar). McPedo looks around and says "did you just call her fat?!" and gets all up in this boys face right? i mean, he pissed me off more than pasty.
and i don't even know about my weight. i eat when they tell me to, throw up when they arnt looking. i'm honestly just hoping that i'll die somehow from this, because i fucking hate being a teenage girl...
really? one of the main reasons i hate it is because i can't tell anyone about my OTHER big secret.
the fact that i'm bi.
the fact that i have feelings for my best friends big sister, that i think about her almost more than my ex. the fact that ive tried to o.d off of percs because i thought that this just isnt going to happen. i am NOT about to fall for HER. thatll be one hard fall, and besides, boys are my thing. it doesnt make any sense to me. people have told me (and by people, i mean Daddy Timothy, the guy who hates the fact im an atheist) that all my problems will be solved if i dedicated myself to god. but honestly, i am beyond any point that somebodys imaginary friend will save my life from the most determined of dieseases, the most confusing of feelings, and the most damaged of hearts.