much to say

well, it certainly has been a while, hasnt it my lovelies? my internet, as always, is acting up. i am currently just sitting in a mcdonalds typing while my friend ali's buying breakfast. don't worry, i'm not eating any. its her way to overcome the hangover both of us have going. i'm just gona smoke a bowl. works every time.



lets see, what should i tell you girls? what do you tell to people you never see, never hear, never meet, but at the same time, you know that they do support you, even if they will never know who you really are? i suppose i should say everything, but some secrets will stay with me.

first, the "flavor of the month" is currently the thing that causes me far too much pain. yeah, i went to homecomming with him. yes, i'm falling in love with him. but no, i will never, ever, ever tell him. because he will never be mine. i want him, of course. who in their right minds wouldnt? and if we were still together, we'd be going on our third month. what girl wouldnt fall in love in that short amount of time? the reason people say it cant be true is because i am young. Again, that is very true. but for a fourteen year old, i know how this shit works. you fall in love, you get hurt. so, im saying fuck getting hurt. enter the new flavor "grunge bucket", as my dad so nicely calls him.

I think im going to call this guy Addy, because he snorts an assload of aderal and is a druggie all around. but anyways, he knows nothing about my ex, and my ex who i am fighting to get over thinks im his "buddy". HA. if only he could have seen me on thursday. he was in lunch detention for making his teacher pretty much go on a rampage, so i sat with Addy. and when i went over there, he pulled me up onto his lap. hmm, id take that as a good sign.

another good sign, we talked a bit last night. and somehow, the topic of rape came up, and i said rape is not my bag, and id pass. so he said that its technically not rape since im willing. and that conversation turned into us trying to figure out a place where we could go to get high, get some, eat some macaroni, and get high again.
we decided: my place

now, the topic of my weight loss. i am trying to eat healthy and sort of refeed to get out of this sickening problem. bulimia was the wrong way to go, and now i eat so much and purge so much, i purge almost 30 times a day. that is NOT good. so i am refeeding to get to a "normal" habit, then im going to starve off the rest of this weight. Bulimia does nothing to help you. it sucks ass.

i "stopped" cutting, even though its on my mind all the time. honestly, its just nagging at me. i want it soo much but i cant let this beat me. ive got enough shit going on in my life.

speaking of shit, remember D? yeah, the douchebag who said he loved me, was there for me when my brother got locked up, then took my virginity at 13 and snitched on the only other brother that even gave two shits about me? oh yeah, him. hes back. i deal with him in my math class every single day. there was maybe five of us in the room one day and he was laughing at some kid cause he didnt have a gag reflex, and he was just like "awwwhh looks like someone else in here can deepthroat" he said to this girl Whitt, but when he did, he was lookin at me and grinning. he also asked if i had let addy hit it yet and how many guys have i fucked. i said its none of his goddamn business. but i told him i havnt let addy hit it, but he didnt believe me. he said "you never sat on my lap, with pants on, and i was gettin somethin everytime i was over" that got him a slap in the face.

so yeah, thats it. i havent mentioned the whole depression or the shrink things. but i have mentioned the fact that im cutting and purging 30 times a day, but im trying my best to get better, to make room for new vices. honestly, im running. im trying to be something different than that little girl that D murdered. he didnt just take my virginity, he took my passion, my color, my amazing, bubbly happiness. now im this bitter girl getting better through art and trying to remember who i was and who i can be now.