A new years hopefull resolution

Ladies, its now 2012.
My Internet situation is fixed for now, and seeing as how i haven't been able to say much, its time for me to fill you in.
For all of you who are new to my blog, 12 to life, the name came was supposed to sound like a spin off of a prison sentence, seeing as how I've put myself into a sort of self created nightmare. I'm sure i could have come up with a much wittier name, but honestly, to change it seems like it betrays how i felt when i was 12.
Now, to the fun subjects. How fucked up is my mind recently? Well, my self injury is still a serious roller coaster. My emotions throughout my day can change from complete blissful happiness to utter self loathing. Actually, it can switch between those two in a matter of seconds. i think that's part of puberty though, isn't it? I know that puberty is supposed to make you get pimples, eat an ass load of junk food, and be sexually curious. i feel like i am on the complete extreme side of the spectrum, showing what puberty can do if you allow your emotions to get to you to much. Nobody is meant to feel like the only way they can release the pressure in their lives is to cause any harm to their bodies, much less mark their bodies up and try to hide it with bottles of foundation. Really, i go through as much makeup for my arms, wrists, and legs as i do for my face.
My bulimia is still terrible, and so is the starvation. If i was still trying to lose weight, i guess I'd say things were going very badly. but honestly. I'm trying to recover as much as i can. Why? Because after two years of smoking, cutting, drinking, starving, and purging, my body is showing serious physical symptoms that are starting to concern me. Both my parents have joint disorders, but they did not show symptoms until their late 20's, which is why i am really concerned. I have some kind of pain in my hips, shoulders, neck, knees, wrists, or ankles every single day. Some days its a combination of a few of them.
Also, my lungs are not good at all. I have serious breathing issues when i run, on top of my hips hurting incredibly bad.
And now for the loony aspect...
i guess its because so much happened this time last year or maybe because i haven't gotten over those things, but guilt and doubt still pretty much rule my young life. Last year over Christmas break, i had my first kiss, lost my virginity to a boy that toys with young (very young!) girls emotions, and my brother went to prison. I should have stopped myself from that kiss, and i should have been able to notice that he never cared about anything more then how far I'd let him go. Then the whole brother thing just caused for pain. i miss him too much. He isn't even my biological brother, but he's one of the few people i know i can actually depend on.
Speaking of people to depend on, there is this new person i confided in. We got on the topic of HER bulimia and self injury, and she asked me how i lost all the weight i did over the course of these two years. when i answered the way she thought i did, she just sat and listened while i opened up and said all the things i had wished to say since i started this blog.
Things came to a close last year, and one of my resolutions is to live and let live. That boy whom i dubbed D (the v-card snatcher) isn't in town anymore, and when i heard that, i was not exactly sure how to react. All i know is that I'm glad i don't have to see him smirk at me from across the cafe at school.
Now, don't think I've turned all high and mighty. There are things going on now that i can never reverse. Like how my cutting and bulimia can only get better when i finally decide to get help. I made the mistake of answering my teachers questions on why i have a lot of scars on my wrist. So when i finally let my guard down, she fucking reported me. Now, i haven't been called in, but I've been struggling with the idea that this is my chance to accept the help i know i need or continue with this process. This process, this protected life I've built, is all i know. The idea of changing everything about myself is a scary thought, and i know I'll never be able to do it because all the people who know about my SI (nobody but that one chick knows about my bulimia) either think I'm done, or they give me so much pity its irritating. Then there are the others who honestly don't give a fuck. I like those people.
There are things about myself i hate worse than the cutting. Like how i fell so fast for my ex boyfriend, and how i feel as though i betrayed my feelings for the ones i am starting to care about now by (oh god, i can't believe I'm even saying this) sleeping with my neighbors son this Christmas break. And yes, i was his first. That makes me feel so terrible. There are people who i give a damn about, and they give a damn about me. For one, there are these boys who i am flirting with. I like both of them for different reasons. I like one because he's the tall dark and handsome kind, then there's the boy who's like the male version of me, and having somebody that gets me like that is kind of refreshing. The one i really feel bad about though is this one girl that I've been wanting to get with for a very long time, and by going and sleeping with this boy, I've completely betrayed her trust, and that's something i don't think i can ever get back.
So, my "resolutions" are to try and help myself before i need "professional" help, to believe people when they give me a compliment, and to stop boring you ladies with such long posts! xD
HAPPY NEW YEARS LADIES!