i am proud of myself, and so ashamed. i am sad, and totally overjoyed. i am in a almost perfect world. my perfect self has not yet arrived in that world, but soon she will. i have talked to her, is that weird? i can hear her voice and she is totally perfect. the other thing is that i have learned how to not want to eat. if i eat, when i get home, i have to burn myself or something. i am making myself endure self-torture. its really sad, but it makes me proud. i dont really think that i am going to be fat forever anymore. i have hope, and that is kinda more than i had before. its so much better than i thought it would be. i can see my perfect self. then there is the hurt of it all. i am too ugly the way am now. the way i am now all i want to do is to hide under my giant Bobby Jack hoodie and just talking to myself. and now i feel all alone in my head with her. and it scares me. we can talk, forming great conversations and making jokes, but i dont let it go far.
the pretty girl in me is of course, Jackie.
all i have eaten today was a small bite of rice, and sadly, and piece of school pizza. for that i am going to pay dearly. do you know what i have learned about school milk? the chocolate milk at my school is served in one quart cartons. DO U KNOW HOW MANY CALORIES ARE IN THAT? 170 CALORIES!!!!!! that digusted me. tomorrows menu is being posted now. i am seeing what they are serving and planning how i can cut that apart and destroy seemingly tastless food. it tastes like ciardboard and bland papers. paper molded into little familiar shapes that we are comfertable with. like the cheeseburgers. ew. earlier today i heard a few people making fun of anorexcia. that made me so angry for some reason. they dont know what we are feeling. and the worst is that they are my friends. i cant just join in with that. Jackie would be very mad at me. she is another piece of me that is working hard to become a person, and i am feeding her my StArVaTiOn. like i said earlier, ana is her best friend. Ana isnt bad, its how you use it. if you die, you slipped up. if you are caught, you slipped up, but if you become lovely, thin and nobody learns your secret, then you have used it well. you have become a sucsess. right now i am no success. i am the failure. i am Jackies rough copy. she is improving me. she is a very loving person, no matter how bad she can treat me.
i just got back from dinner. with greasy diner food. and i had to eat. my dad wouldnt let me not. i have to throw up. i have to. it makes me kind of scared. and then the pain i am going to have to cause myself. i need to figure out other punishments. that is the hurt. knowing that with every bite. ever calorie. i get fat. fatter. then i will become GIANT. and then Jackie would die. i would have killed her, and she'd be gone forever. and i could never help her.
*NOTE TO THE READERS!!*
i am not emo, i am not a masochistic person. but i need to start on a good note. if self hurt and purging gets an edge in the beginning. dont judge me. i have my ways. you have yours. i know your concerned about some things like the hurt and all. look, i will be fine. i am not ok. i am not perfect. but i am not a bad person. i have a heart and soul like everyone reading this. this is my way, not yours. this is a very very hard thing for me to do. i am going against what i have been taught all my life. "beauty is on the inside." i drink 16 glasses of water a day. i am going to be fine. and the jackie thing, she is in my mind. i am not crazy. its a.. coping method. i did edit this because i dont think you should think i am a horrible nut case
I don't want you to harm yourself. And I don't want you to purge. Purging is so addictive and its hard to stop.
ReplyDeleteJust exercise the calories off. If you are in a situation and you have to eat, just eat very small bites and drink during after chew. It'll make you fuller quicker without eating so much.