143!!!! i am SO happy! omg!!! i have figured out my target body.. ^^
her thighs are amazing! and great clothes.. anyway. last night i poured my heart and soul into a post that explained why i am doing this to myself. and its funny. its like, i know it isn't going to be enough. i am just barely in the healthy BMI range now. i have gained 4 Oz's from this morning!! DAMN! i have been depressed for a few days. but today scared me. first i contemplated running away.. when i was little i had a suitcase around in my room, when i was about 7. and i tried to strangle myself with a clothes hanger. but today... it was worse. i wrote down ways i could kill myself. the most obvious one was.. oh do i have to say it. OK, yes i do. i am honest with you girls. i am honest with you girls........... ok, the most obvious was slit my wrist, o.d on meds ( moms painkillers...) boric acid (something i have on my floors as a roach killers) a deadly cocktail (meds, moonshine, and boric acid), laying on the road and get ran over.. hang myself, you name it, i thought it. but you will never guess what happend. i heard Jackie. i think it was her. the voice was higher pitch, meaner.. but.. loving. Then i was sure i heard jackie telling me no. she said i hadnt reached my target weight.. and that i promised myself id die thin. Ana saved my life.. but i am still thinking of running. think about it. i hate it here. i hate it at Jeffs.. i am pathetic. i would be better if i could just drop off the face of the earth. None of my family or friends would care. Definatly not Austin. he has a girl. why would he worry about me? why would anyone worry about someone as sad and pathetic as me? why would anyone WANT me? why am i even here. i have a bag ready. ladies.. if i post tomorrow. it was a testiment of willpower. i i dont, then i eaither forgot or i couldnt take being treated like shit anymore.
When I tries to kill myself, I made a list of ways I could kill myself too. I am glad you didn't kill yourself.
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling of being unwanted too. I'm 3000% sure that your family and friends care about you! Fuck Austin and that bitch he calls a girlfriend!!! ;)
You will have plenty of guys chasing you!
awww honey...stay strong. i kno, "wht the hell does tht mean anymore?" you can endure this. dont kill yourself. you are better than this. please honey. we are all here for you. you may not see us as real people, but we are and we really do love you. dont give up. be tht strong person that i kno you can be.
ReplyDeleteIt's a beautiful blog you have here...
ReplyDeleteIt's true and real and I can relate.
But you are only 13 years old so don't kill yourself just yet, give life a try!
-Even though I'm 19 and mine still sucks, it''s not as bad as when I was 13. High school, weight, boys, parents, drugs/alcohol...
Don't give up, life WILL not keep you in the teens forever!!
Heh...
Lots of love
Cille