today my friend asked me a question, that's led to something, which led to another, which led to another..all raveling into a long day, so...today was the first day in an incredibly long time...that i...cut. not class, but skin. i have cuts ON my stomach (i was lucky i could control myself from cutting it out..) and on my thighs. don't judge or comment until you read it all...i honestly couldn't help it..here..this is how my day was..
as soon as my friends and i had all gathered in the main gym before the dismissal bell.. (bus room for some, chill time for me and my buddies<3 ) and i hadn't even noticed when i wrapped my fingers around my wrist, noticing how i could wrap my fingers around..with space to spare too.. so then suddenly my friend *Ally* said many comments..so here is the conversation..
Ally- "Ann move your fat ass over!"
me- "at least my fat ass is smaller than yours!"
Ally- *pinches my arm, and punches my leg, making the *flesh* jiggle..* "oh really? maybe you should eat a fucking salad, then talk to me about being smaller!"
i am smaller than Ally, and i am taller..my thighs almost gap, and i looked at made me look at my wrist again, then i grabbed the fat that hangs down my arm, seeing how thin i could be..if i ate less than a salad..if i ate nothing. bare nothingness in my stomach would shut her up..then i wrapped my fingers around my wrist, looking at how the tips of my fingers overlap, wishing for more of a gap in between my fat fingers and my chubby wrist..then the bell rang for us to go. i walked all the way down the hall to my locker, my backpack full of books, thinking how every calorie counts..how if i walked just a few feet further..that would get me at five, ten, fifteen calories burnt..
then i went to gym, where the only friend i have is *Megan* who, i am ashamed to say, is much bigger than i, making me have a small glimmer of happiness. then i thought of how bad that sounds." Megan has lost weight Ann..shes a vegetarian..what have you done?" I DAMN NEAR..near. near, not have. i have not done a single thing..Megan is being a good person..and i had the nerve tho say.."Megan have you lost weight? i mean, i know your vegetarian, and i heard that helps." and she told me that's not why she does it (she says she feels guilty every time she eats a chicken sandwich..) but she told me she hopes she could lose weight..she says she wants to be a skinny bitch.. don't we all nut~meg? but that was a few days back..that thought just came into my mind after i thought that horrid remark about her. so then we do a partner jog, and while our partners jogged, the other does crunches and push ups..the only bad thing though is that while i was running, my boobs bounced the entire time..i was so red afterwards..and not from heat. so suddenly i get the dizzy feeling i had all year..and i tell megs, who tells Mr*PSYCHO GYM TEACHER!!* who lets me go to the nurse, but wants a note next time..and the nurse takes my blood pressure and pulse, thinking i am having some kind of lard ass stroke..then i have to sit down in the back of the nurses clinic, in my gym uniform..knowing it was just hunger, but i was trying to go home before lunch..but my mom didn't pick up, so i went to Mr*Monroe*'s room for science, my head still swimming. i make it though all my classes when lunch comes around, and instead of having the nachos, i got myself a tiny chef salad, four orange slices, and a fat free skim milk. megs told me she doesn't like me eating so little blah blah blah. then Mr *s*'s room (uncreative with names..) who i wont see anymore, so i don't have any homework in that class..(the only bright side) then someone in pride period calls me anorexic for not wanting a cookie. a cookie? a double chocolate fudge cookie with frosting. HELL NO BITCH I DON'T WANT A MOTHERFUCKING COOKIE!! then i come home, bitch to my mom, get screamed at, and go to my room (better than me being locked in the bathroom avoiding my drunk of a mother again.) where i saw that i had some new followers, and to those girls (guys maybe as well?) thank you, sorry for the shitty story of my life..BACK TO THE TOPIC! so i calculated my calorie intake (negative 97, then i binged, purged, binged and purged again..but we will get to that..) then ate three boiled eggs, no yoke, and a bowl of spaghetti, purged it all up, wiping the seat clean, washing my face and popping a mint, then coming back to my room, looking at myself in the mirror for four hours, seeing every flab, every ounce of fat..till i burst into tears and got up to go get my knife. i cut a thick cut into my stomach (being sure not to puncture any organs) and on the inside of my right thigh.. hoping to get some of the fat.. then i looked at the knife, seeing how easy i could slit my wrist, or my throat, or stab myself in the eye, deserving every ounce of pain i felt on my worthless body. (my body has no worth absolute value, sorry Mr.s, and negative numbers are NOT the same as positive numbers, {see apparently |-4|= +4 as an absolute value, every negative is a positive..} see, 1000 calories is bad..-1000 calories..that's one hell of a good day..) every cut, tear, hunger, thirst, every burst of heat, and every gust of icy cold that blasts against my paling skin. i deserve it all, because i am a horrible person, and i deserve anything my bitch of a life can throw at me. so i look at my cuts (the one on my thigh still stings like a motherfucker) plus the one on my leg from many months ago, and the one on my wrist. a tiny sliver of pale skin, ghost white against death pale. and took an icy shower after binging on yellow rice (the shower was a cover..showers cover up the sound of retching) and ran my fingers up through my hair, noticing how much thinner its gotten..so i got out of the shower and cut my other thigh..this time with my thumb nail, scratching till it bled (to the reader who posted something about that...thats how i cut my leg..i didnt copy from you..) and i am now freezing to death in what is supposed to be the hottest room in the house. my room. the fan isnt on, my hair is dry, ive got on a hoodie, long pj pants, and socks. and i am FREEZING! i hate my fucking life..
if you know anyone who can end it for me, let me have their name and number
Believe that you are smart and you'll succeed in algebra I! I'm in algebra II and it's very easy! I have a B+ in it!
ReplyDeleteI used to cut myself with a thumbnail too and did the exact same thing. I hope you could soon stop.