legs

my legs  are horrible. fat, gross,ugly.. and now they hurt from my stupid cutting..but i did it again today..its addicting..and when im cutting..im not thinking of food..today i was trying to take a hammer to a shaving razor to get one of the blades out, but i relised i look incredibly suspicous. a hammer in my hand, walking to my bathroom. its bad enough i go in there after every meal, though it isnt my fault...im pulled in there! its like, instinct..i cant help it. i blacked out last night after purging..after i wrote the post...well..not a blackout...

a failed suicide attempt.
i took 12 benadryls...but got so sleepy and i relized how i couldnt do it..so i threw them up and reluctantly went to sleep..a miracle that i woke up this morning. 
i think my brother said an eating disorder remark to me today..i hav a sore throat so he came into my room with a big glass of water and i think he said something  like "this water is shitty, its too bad u cant hav anything but water.." or some dumb shit like that. then today his girlfriend made me ramen and i took a few bites and asked him if he wanted the rest and he was like.."NO! you should eat it ALL!" like if i didnt ingest 360 calories i would die tonight. eaither by his hand or from hunger lol. like he is gona kill me for not eating a pack of ramen noodles...ug.
I HATE RAMEN
I HATE PASTA
I HATE FOOD IN GENERAL! ug how i  wished i could scream that to his face..