nothing (teen angst rant)

i am nothing. i feel empty. kind of. except for the massive binge i just had, i can't feel anything except failure. i know that each morning when i wake up, i will fall to the powerful grasp food still holds over me. all the experiances in my life, all the pain in the world, can't free me. i wish i could go back to feeling nothing. i wish that everytime i looked at the scale, i saw 0.0. i wish i wish i wish and i wish. but, no matter how many stars i gaze upon at night when i creep out of my house, none of them come true. i need something to help me. each and every time i get close to a breakthrough, something shoots me back to square one, where i am held like a prisoner in solitary confinement. i feel fat. i feel disgusting. i stopped cutting myself, but feeling like this isnt easy to do without a blade. i wake up each morning, put on my cocky smile, cake on the makeup, hide my scars, and go and hang out with friends who all tell me that i have a body they envy. let me tell you something, if you envy me, you have no clue about me. you dont know that underneath the bracelets and the long pants and shirts are the remnants of angry slashes caused by failure. failure that originates from every aspect of my life. social, academic, family, and love. not like i even have a love life. the only guy seemingly intrested in me only wants sex. of course. thats all boys find me good for. except for those rare few i call my friends. yes, i am a bit more popular than i was last year, but still, there are insecurities about me i can never overcome. like how i am now covered in small but obvious scars, so straight and percise, you know immediatly where they came from. or how i jiggle each time i walk. or how i am starting high school next year, and can't lose more weight for the life of me. or how each and every time i fall for a guy, he goes and forgets all about me. i met a great guy about a week ago, and it was a m a z i n g. he lives with the virginity-snatcher, but he hates him about as much as i do. we didnt kiss, but when we laid together in that hammock, my head on his shoulder, his hand on my waist, we were close..until V.S came around and fucked it all up. and now, that wonderful moment is now another regret, because he has a girlfriend. great. another thing i want to rant about, i have a pedophile, who is 23. i am 14. thats not going to work, no matter what we think we can get away with. i want to tell him that, but of course, i am too afraid of what he will say to me when i tell him i dont want to get any closer. i want to remain detached. i am so confused. i can't even begin to explain how i feel. this entire post barely skims the surface. there is so much more i want to say but i fear judgement so much, i am shaking as i write this. there are three things on my mind. trying to find my razor in my garbage can, how ill have a pack of smokes in 16 minutes, give or take, and how badly i just want to pack up a bowl, grab my bottle of vodka i keep in the back of the freezer (not like my mom cares, she drinks enough for the whole country.) and get completly wasted and forget about the muddle of confusing feelings i feel washing over me. Why does beeing a teenager have to be so damn difficult? why do i have to second guess how i feel all the time??? why cant i just be normal for fuck sakes?! honestly, i cant even pretend like i am okay. i tell this blog more than i tell anyone else, and nobody even reads this fucking thing, so i am preaching to a brick wall right about now. while i am at it, if nobody is going to see this, i might as well fess up to the thing weighing heaviest on my mind...
i have a crush. a different kind, for more reason then one. 1, because i dont want them for physical attention, i just want to be near them. their personality is bubbly and contagious. i never felt bad near them. i can be myself with..her.
yeah, i said it. her. her name isnt important, and its not like id even give the real one out. we talk sometimes but she doesnt hardly know i exist. its a completly different ball game with this one. with a guy, hell, just throw on some short shorts and my bikini top (not without putitng on a tank top over it)  and just pop a squat on their lap. boom, instant attention. not like ive ever done that, but shit itll work. men are physical beings. they only care about the next piece of ass to come their way..but a girl? hell, i may be one, but that doesnt mean i know what to say to her! "hey, i like you, and seeing as how there arn't that many other girls out there who would go for you, looks like i'm your only option, how about a movie?" yeah, real smooth.
well, looks like i am about to go grab a milkshake with my brother for a pick me up/ birthday celebration for our incarerated brother.