back to square one

I'm back to being single. even though i never felt like we were dating in the first place.
i interrogated him until he gave me a straight answer
he was pressured to ask me out
because he likes me and didn't want to hurt me if we didn't date
i told him that i care about him, and he doesn't have to subject himself to something like that to make me happy. because my happiness isn't based on some stupid title. now I'm still "friends" with him, and I'll still kiss him, but I'm not about to just throw myself at him for nothing.
so i broke up with him.
now, don't get me wrong, I'm still jealous about that girl. she is EXACTLY what i wanted to look like. skinny, blond, pretty. shes popular. shes a cheerleader.
my addiction to purging still isn't over, its a tough battle. but i need to get it together. i can't go back to throwing up at school.
besides, i have to lose weight to get back into dating. and people say that I'll have plenty of options when high school starts because they all tell me I'm pretty or I'm skinny. I've felt like this for a while. hasn't you noticed? the pretty, thin girls are the ones who get attention. I've lost 40 pounds
i can get to 110

i have to spend ANOTHER weekend with my dad.
the best part about this? i left my razor up at my dads house, so i know that because i fucked up, I'm going to hear about that. and they are the kind of people to try to "help" me. is it sad that i think the worst part about this situation to me is that I'll have to hunt down a new razor. i mean, my dad shoves food at me and if i don't eat he'll call me sick, but if i eat he'll tell me I'll get fat. so what am i supposed to do? even if i purge all my dinner and eat mostly salads, i still gain weight, so i cut and try to get rid of the awful feelings by distracting myself. so then i just slash at my arm or my leg or my chest, then i just shove a tissue on the mark and lay back, because the feeling i get is better than when i take drugs.
besides, i can't take drugs there. my pills are too strong for me to get around snorting or taking them around my dad. and weed has a very strong (but nice) smell. i can't shoot up there because he'd notice the marks on my arm. and i can drink but the hangover is sooo obvious. so what do i do?
i take the easiest drug i know.
he is the original reason i kept trying to lose weight. he would say things like how i was gaining and gaining and how i USED to be so thin and beautiful. or how i used to be able to fit in my jeans better. or how he can grab at my fat. then if i refuse the endless things he FORCES me to eat, I'm sick and i get an hour long discussion about how i don't need to lose weight. and now he is going to know i cut. and will more than likely force me to go to therapy AGAIN. but i will not speak a word because nobody can make me better. that's up to me to get better. I've tried
but it never worked. i read articles, threw away my razors, even quit the blog. but then something happens like i get my ex's (but current interest) ex shoved in my face. and if shes pretty, i must be flawless. my competitive spirit is what I've got going against me.
oh, and for more to rant about.
i think that the one person who actually cares about me, and hasn't ever screamed at me and has told me that he can't see me hurting because it tears him up inside, is 22 years old. i care about him as well, and if he were at least four years younger, i would allow him to come closer. but what does a 22 year old want with a 14 year old? he claims that he doesn't just want sex, and that he does really care about me. but honestly. what full grown man would even try to be in a relationship with a freshman?
its fucking confusing.
i need to go, its time for a cigarette. just reading my own post makes me crave nicotine
the good news? after purging dinner, sleeping, and taking some laxatives, I'm back to weighing around 127
bmi: 21.7