What did you expect?

What did i expect? Hm. I guess i expected to be thinner and happier or something by now. I had thought that i would also have some form of social life, instead of blogging for crying out loud. Really though, it will not change unless i just seriously change EVERYTHING about myself. Such as, go prep and all that jazz. Stop dying  my hair dark. Wear pink shirts everyday. Thats the only way to get change because i've gotten so stuck in my rut, so the only way i can really get the change i need is to shock everyone, even myself.
I suppose i did expect that i would have weighed around 115 about this time, with a steady boyfriend or girl that wouldnt shudder or have to hug me in one of those awkward pity embraces whenever they see my 100+scars.
Yeahp, 100+. It's pretty bad. i used to just let them bleed a bit, not trying to cut a lot, but now they get to be really deep. I've needed stiches for a few, so i did the epic badass thing and did them myself, which caused for even uglier scars, and also, it hurts like a motherfucker.
Anyways, by now i had expected much more from myself. Needless to say, i am rather disapointed. Not just in how little progress i've made but the fact that i really had my heart set on not being one of those sad emo loners sitting in class with a permanet scowl on their face.
I'm too much of a creep to ever permanetly be with somebody though.Somebody told me i should try internet dating. What a slap to the face.
Somebody else told me if i can't exactly date somebody, then they would recommend i just become a stripper. One, my body is just not built for a career in stripping, yet again, they make some awesome money. Two, i am NOT a stripper. I'm way too shy. Anyways, i guess today i just decided to rant about my fall from expectations. Each day I'm going to ask a question to myself that i've always wished i could answer, but i never had the guts to say to anybodys face. Hurray for the internet!